Days in the Lives of Narcissa and Belllatrix
by Fluffy and Scary Satanic One
Summary: Bellatrix and Narcissa are staying in a muggle town, in a muggle home, on a mission from Lord Voldemort. This story will give you lucky muggles an inside look on their daily lives. Their mission, you ask? Like we're tellin' you.
1. Chapter 1

"Where in the bloody hell is that elf?" Narcissa was screaming, "I have things that need unpacked!"

"Mandrake voice..." Bellatrix muttered under her breath, "Don't you get it, Cissy? There are no elves here! Not even for you! We're in a filthy muggle hovel! What elf would come to a filthy muggle hovel?"

Narcissa heaved a sigh. "No elf would, Bella. And, personally, I wouldn't be either, but the Dark Lord ordered it to be so... And I can use my mandrake voice when I please, my dear sister."

"I know," Bella said, "I'd sooner stay in Azkaban! At least there were wizards there! Here... it's nothing but... muggles..."

At this, Narcissa lifted a curtain and peaked out the window, "Dear Salazar... Bella, they're _everywhere_! There's one there! And another! And like five of their filthy little children! Oh, of all the hideouts in the world, why must we stay here?"

For a moment, Bellatrix seemed lost for words, but once she'd gotten past her pure-blood nature, the answer seemed obvious, "Because the Dark Lord commands it!" She let her own eyes travel to the window, and couldn't believe it, even after what her sister had been saying. They really were _everywhere_... but not to worry... "The Dark Lord wouldn't have told us to come here if it weren't for the greater good." 

"This is true, I suppose." Said Narcissa, letting the curtain fall back into place. "And besides, sister. THIS way we can find the muggles that we can force to be our slaves. As for the rest, I always do enjoy watching them writhe for a while before I kill them."

"Well, I'll join you for the writhing anytime, but as for slavery... not as long as there are elves. Elves are faster, and they know their place. Muggles have proven over and over again in the past to be... untrustworthy..."

"Not when you crucio them until their will is broken, sister. Not to mention that muggle torture is such fun!"

"I can't argue with that last part...While we're on the subject... did your husband actually take that position?"

"Yes, actually, he did."

Cissy seemed momentarily oblivious to the look of disappointment that crossed her sister's face.

"He will enjoy it, I'm sure." She went on.

"Oh. Well... if he ever decides he doesn't want it anymore, just to let you know, I'd be happy to take it off his hands... I mean, I'm sure there are plenty of other positions you and your husband would enjoy... Speaking of which, you haven't been up to much lately, have you? I mean, Lucius is off torturing muggles right now, and you're stuck in a filthy muggle hovel..."

"You're stuck here too!" Narcissa snapped back, sounding slightly indignant.

"But _I've_ been in Azkaban! What's your excuse?"

"I've had to take care of Draco, Bella. Otherwise I would be with Lucius now. It's hard to look after that boy, he finds more trouble than Harry Potter!"

"So get a nanny! We had one, and we turned out fine, didn't we?"

"Don't think I didn't look..."

"So what was the problem?"

"Well, it seemed like everyone he wanted to hire was prettier than me!" Narcissa cried, sounding slightly put out.

For a moment, Bellatrix kept her face blank.

"So...hire a man?" She smirked a bit, "Or were they all prettier than you too?"

Narcissa's face didn't change.

"I have been meaning to address that issue with him. I really must write and find out the truth."

"I'm sorry...?"

"Bella, I believe that my Lucius may be a... a... a bisexual!"

Bella reverted back to keeping her face blank. Cissy began to say something, but was cut off by Bella suddenly laughing insanely (yes, it was quite like the laugh she used when torturing someone...) sitting down, and conjuring them both drinks.

After a sip, she seemed to have enough of a hold on herself to speak,

"It's not the end of the world... believe me..."

"Wha—"

"So," Bella cut her off, "Where exactly is that man now, anyway?"

"To tell the truth...I'm not entirely sure... He won't say in his letters... says he can't..."

"Comforting," She said with a smile, and then proceeded to take a very large drink of her wine. "Suppose he's with a nanny now..."

"Then I'll hex his bits off." Cissy did not look amused as she took her first sip of her wine.

Bella looked up for a moment, her face not really blank as much as unpleasant, "You're joking, right?"

Cissy shrugged, "I've done it before..."

Bellatrix was startled, "When?!"

"Well, while the Ministry insisted on searching our homes for dark objects, Lucius found that shrinking things and hiding them on my person was an easy way to keep them from being found. The first time he did it he stuck that Hand Of Glory thing in my ear!"

"You can't be serious..." Bella said softly, "In your ear? How could you understand anything?"

"Well that's just it!" Cissy raved, "I couldn't! Not a thing! I had to sell the inspectors some story that I had been slowly loosing my hearing in that ear for years! So, after they had gone, I told him I'd hex his bits off if he ever tried it again."

"And he forgot?"

Narcissa took another sip and nodded. "Indeed he did, Bella. He later tried to get me to hide some poisons _in my nose! _He never got the chance! The second he started to shrink them I let loose on the jinx. It was priceless to watch him try to pull himself together before the investigators arrived!"

"I'm going to guess he didn't manage? How did you explain that? I somehow don't think they'd believe that he'd been progressively loosing his _bits_ for years..."

"Oh, he managed by saying that he had misfired a spell because he was startled. Though, he didn't speak to me for a month, and slept in one of the guest bedrooms."

Bella raised an eyebrow, "So, you hexed his bits off, and instead of getting mad at you, he lied for you and kicked himself out of his own bedroom... I'll never understand men..."

"Kicked himself out? Hardly! He was either too angry to sleep with me, or too embarrassed to."

"Well, I can see how sleeping with you in the bed where you conceived your son without his bits could be awkward..."

"I eventually put them back, of course..."

Bella nodded, "He couldn't very well fuck a nanny if you hadn't."

"Not only the nannies, but me as well."

"So, when was this?"

"It was three years ago, just before the Dark Lord rose again."

--

A/N:

Credits:

Narcissa: Fluffy! _(SSO: Isn't she cute?)_ **thought from Fluffy Cute, but I HEX BITS OFF!!!**

Bellatrix: The one and only Scary Satanic One. _(SSO: Fear me, bitches!)_

Yes, this happened, almost word for word (and our wine was actually soda, sparking juice, and orange juice...). This will continue for as long as we continue to roll play and come up with this random crap. Some will be long, some short. All humorous. Please review. That little button down there, see it. Click it, type what you think. Please try to resist the urge to say "What the hell were you smoking?" because that information is classified. _(SSO: But I'm selling it out back... Don't tell Fluffy!)_


	2. Chapter 2

"I don't understand why we couldn't just summon food!" Narcissa whined.

"It's against whatshisface's four basic laws... Dear Salazar, Narcissa, didn't you learn anything at school?"

"Oh…right.. Still, there are just far too many muggles!"

"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Bella asked, becoming more irritated by the second.

"You could always do what our cousin Sirius did. Blast a huge hole in the street and kill everyone in the vicinity." Narcissa suggested.

"No."

"Why???"

"Because."

"_BELLA!" _

"What have we discussed about calling my name in that voice?!"

"Well, would you prefer I say someone else's name?"

Bella shut her eyes and hung her head for a moment. It was amazing that after fourteen years in Azkaban her little sister could still get under her skin like this, "I don't really care!" She hissed, "Just not mine!"

"How about Andromida's?" Narcissa said after a bit of thought.

Bella was surprised at the mention of their other sister... or... "Ann? Ann who?"

"I'm taking that as a yes..." Narcissa muttered, _"ANDROMIDA!"_

Bellatrix shot Narcissa a murderous glare. "I didn't mean you should seriously do it!" she hissed.

"Bella? Cissy?"

The two froze. Coming up the alley was a woman who looked a lot like Bella, only less... oh, what's a nice way to put... less clinically insane.

"Oh, crap." Narcissa said, being as verbally blunt as she was.

"..." Bella replied.

Andromida Tonks scrutinized the pair. "Bella? Cissy? Is that really you?"

"No." Bella said, finally recovering, "It's Salazar Slytherin and Rowena Ravenclaw."

Ann sighed. "Yup, it's you. What are you doing here? I really should turn you two in to the Order..."

Bella laughed. "Fine! Bring your entire Order here! We'll call our master, and he'll kill you all! Our master is the greatest wizard alive! He didn't leave me in Azkaban last time—Oh, no one believed me when I said he wouldn't—and he won't leave me there this time!"

Narcissa coughed lightly, "The muggles are staring."

"LET THEM! OUR MASTER WILL—"

"Spare me, Bella." Ann cut her off.

"Thank you. At least we still have one thing in common: We both hate it when Bella rants." Narcissa said, rubbing her temples.

Ann laughed, "Speaking of things two of us hate," She looked at Bella, "I thought we'd broken her of that mandrake voice."

Bella rolled her eyes, "We _had_. It seems Lucius would actually do as she wanted when she used it though... all progress was lost."

"Keep it up, Bella, and I swear I will kill you in your sleep... with an uncooked spaghetti noodle."

"Aw." Ann mock-cooed, "We're a family again!"

Bella didn't respond to either of them.

"Speaking of killing people, Cissy, what are you two doing _here_? This is the _Muggle_ World."

"Sight seeing." Narcissa answered at the same time Bella snapped, "Personal business!"

They looked at each other for a moment.

"Personal business." "Sight seeing." They switched answers.

Ann raised an eyebrow. "Uh-huh."

"Actually," Bella said, "It is personal sight seeing business." Which, technically, was not a lie.

"We are sisters, Bella. Nothing is personal."

"Are you still married to Ned?" Narcissa asked.

"His name is TED. With a 'T'."

"Sisters?" Bella said, "Sorry, my only sister married a pure blood..."

If looks could kill, Bella and Narcissa would have been dead on the sidewalk.

"Fine. Then my sisters are gonna have their asses in Azkaban in a minute."

"What sisters?" Narcissa asked.

Bella muttered, "Haven't we already been through this...?"

"Run for cover, Ann! She's going to rant again!" Narcissa said in mock seriousness.

Ann covered her head and ducked, as did Narcissa.

"Stand up or I swear to Slytherin I will curse the pair of you into oblivion!"

"Sure you will." Narcissa said. "And what will you do when your master is angered by the fact that you killed one of his number?"

Bella thought for a moment.

"Sleep with him and make it okay." She said matter-of-factly.

"Don't you have a husband?" Ann exclaimed.

"I HAVE A MASTER FIRST!" Bella cried.

"And anyway," Narcissa went on casually, "Rudolphus is a flaming queer."

"Right! Lucky he and _your_ husband never spent much time together!"

"Bella, Cissy," said Ann, smacking them on the back of the head as she said their names. "People are starting to stare. We need to go somewhere private, and we certainly can't go to my house. Don't you two have someplace?"

Bella looked at Cissy, "Wouldn't it be tainting to—"

"Tainting the Filthy Muggle Hovel? Bella, think about what you're saying..."

"Oh, my... You're right, it's already tainted. Besides that, she _is_ a pure blood. Come, Ann. We'll show you were we're staying."

"All right. How far of a walk is it?"

"_Walk" _Bella said. "What makes you think we're going to walk?"

With that, she and Cissy grabbed Ann by the arms and appartated, leaving several puzzled muggles behind.


	3. Chapter 3

"It's...clean." Ann said. "How can you keep this clean, when your rooms were...Well, to be blunt, they were bloody awful."

"But this is different." Narcissa explained. "_Elves_ cleaned our rooms. _We_ have to clean this place... So we decided to just not mess it up!"

It was at this moment that Draco stumbled into the room, sporting the unpleasant face he generally wore when in the Filthy Muggle Hovel.

"Hello mother." He nodded, "Hello aunt Bella.. Hello..." He paused on Andromida, "Sane aunt Bella."

"Hey! I'm…Okay, yeah, I'm insane. So what? You would be too if—"

"New rule!" Ann snapped quickly, "As long as I am here, Bella is _not_ allowed to rant!"

"I'll rant if I damn well please!"

"You can't!" Narcissa seemed thrilled by the idea, "You aren't the oldest now!"

"YOU"RE GOING TO LET A BLOOD TRAITOR MAKE THE RULES?!?!?! Narcissa—"

"Oh! Remember the new Rule!" Narcissa called, "You can't rant! Ha!"

Ann slapped Cissy a high five. "Good call!"

"YOU ARE HIGH-FIVING A BLOOD TRAITOR—"

"Hello!" This was from Draco, "Apparently I'm the only one here with NO IDEA what is going on!"

"Apparently, your mother also never taught you not to interrupt, either."

"So you two can interrupt her but I can't?!" He turned to his mother, "I should have just stayed with father. He let's me interrupt."

"No, Draco, he doesn't."

Draco glared at his mother, "But she," He nodded to Ann, "didn't know that!"

"Well, I do now. So stop bitching." Ann said. "New rule: Draco does not bitch about what his elders can or cannot do."

Bella smirked, "Okay, finally, a rule I like."

Draco rolled his eyes, "Very well then. I'll just go tell the Dark Lord we have an unapproved guest."

"You wouldn't dare!" Ann said, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't see why not." Draco said dully. "I don't even know who you are. Why should I listen to you?"

"I'm your OTHER aunt. The one who married a muggleborn."

Draco looked like he was going to be sick, "_Why would you do that_?!"

Ann rolled her eyes once more, "Because I didn't want an arranged marriage, like most pure bloods get stuck with. My sisters may have put up with it but I sure as hell wasn't going"

"So it was a spite marriage?"

"I do love disrespecting your grandmother but no, I loved him dearly."

Draco sank into the nearest chair. "Ewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewewew."

"Are you quite finished?" Ann glared at him.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew. Ew." He inhaled slowly. "...Ew. Yes."

Bella nodded, "Wonderfully spoken, Draco."

Narcissa turned to Ann, "You mean it _wasn't_ a spite marriage?" She was turning rather green herself now.

Bellatrix glared at Andromida, "Oh, now you've gone and upset her!" She helped lead Cissy slowly into a seat near Draco, "I'm sorry, Cissy. I wanted to tell you, but mother and father said you were too young to handle it. I mean, you were just thirteen! We were worried you'd be scarred for life if we told you the truth then! And then you believe us and we stopped speaking of Ann, and it just never came up again..."

"You two disgust me just as much as my marriage disgusts you, you know that!" Ann snapped, she looked over at Draco with pity, "Raising a boy to believe such things..."

"Now that we're all nice and disgusted, who wants lunch?!" They all turned their head to the source of this noise to see Lucius standing there holding an elf by an ear. To his left stood Rodulphus.

The four original inhabitants of room sat in stunned silence.

Lucius rolled his eyes, "I'm taking that as a yes." He turned the elf he'd dragged along, "Flinky, we need..." He looked up and began to count, "One, two, three, four, five, si... Rudolphus, how many wives did you have again?"

"One." Rodulphus was also staring in shock at the two women, "I thought..."

Ann rolled her eyes. "Oh, Holy Hufflepuff, do I have to make _another_ introduction?"

"Oh, for the love of Slytherin!" Bellatrix seethed, clearly not amused by her own husband's confusion, "She's my older sister!"

Rodulphus sighed, "Oh..." After several more breaths, he looked up again, "Bella, don't do that to me! I was really frightened there for a second!"

"WHY?!"

Lucius took a careful step back, not bothering to let go of Flinky's ear.

Rodulphus laughed nervously, "Oh... you know..."

"Bella, the idea of two of you would give anyone screaming nightmares." Ann explained for him.

"Thank you..." Rodulphus said quietly.

"WHAT?!" Bella turned back and forth glaring at the two.

"I said 'I love you'!" Rodulphus said quickly.

"That's what I thought you said..." Bella turned back to Lucius, "Six servings of calamari."

Lucius hit the elf in the same instant he realized it. "Why are you still here?"

The elf vanished into the kitchens.

Draco looked up at Ann, still looking shaken, "C...Can I ask you something?"

"Well... Yes. I suppose so."

"What do your kids look like?" He flinched a little, as though afraid of the answer.

"At the moment?" Ann said, "Well, last time I saw her, her hair was waist length and lime green. I don't know what it will be when I go home."

Cissy glared at her, "You mean _your_ brat got the metemorphmagus gene?!"

"No, she is not a brat, and yes, she did." Without missing a beat, she turned to Rodulphus. "So, you're the flaming queer?"'

"Yes." Lucius told her.

Bella smirked, "Pretty quick to answer that, aren't you Lucius? One might think you know from experience or some—"

"BELLA!" Narcissa called in the same dying-mandrake voice that had gotten them into this mess, "Now is _not_ the time!"

And on this note, Flinky appeared holding the tray of Calamari.

* * *

**Scary Satanic One:** **Hello... Possible People... I'm writing the authors note alone this time, as Fluffy is feeling a bit under the weather. Don't you feel sorry for her? FEEL SORRY FOR HER! Luckily for you, this didn't start until about five o clock this morning, which is about five hours after we finished this fic. Fluffy's good health went into the writing of this fic, so we'd better get some good reviews from this! On another note... WORSHIP OUR FORESHADOWING! I don't know how many of you caught it, but it was there... quite clearly, in fact. Oh, and enjoy Draco while he lasts. We plan on sending him off to school any day now. **

**Speaking of which, we are sure that some of you are wondering about our time frame... to which we say that we don't exactly have one. For this exact reason, we will avoid anything that sets us with one. In case you haven't noticed, we aren't exactly being cannon. **


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